Did you ever reach the point in a situation, in life, in wherever you were, that you were just done? Are you done yet?
I’m done fighting for the ‘stuff’, for the ‘ideals’, for the ‘people’, and for the ‘whatever-isn’t-my-dream’ that has been uppermost in my mind for the past 57 plus years. I’m done worrying about what anyone else thinks, believes, hopes, feels, or wants from me. I’m just DONE.
Last night, I couldn’t sleep. The rain pelting the sky-lights, pouring off the roof outside my window, and dancing through the tree leaves might have lulled me to sleep, or even might have been enough to keep me awake… But it wasn’t about the rain. Although, I truly enjoyed hearing it rain into the wee hours of the morning. That isn’t a pleasure we get to experience much here in southern Colorado.
Lying there awake, watching lightning splinter the skies, listening to thunder rumble through the pines, and thinking… Thinking… Thinking…
So much life has passed through my years, and every bit of it meaningful, precious, and yes, even, lovely. I’ve had a good life. I experienced love in so many ways I can’t count them, and I’ve been loved by so many people, I don’t even remember all their names… The joy of being me is complete. I feel as if I’ve been loved ‘enough’ to live well, love back, and laugh my way into eternity with joy unspeakable. I’m blessed.
What about you?
Home is where you live.
I’m not a tea drinker. I prefer a good strong cup of good coffee with cream over a cup of tea most days, but there are the occasional moments when I crave a cup of Blackberry Tea, and a crumpet slathered with clotted cream. There is something pungently aromatic, BOLD, lastingly BOLD, and decadently memorable, about a cup of Blackberry Tea with milk, and a crumpet slathered with clotted cream. And then, I remember… I remember why Blackberry Tea seems so decadent, dangerously sinful, and yet enticing.
It’s spring. The garden is in full bloom. Life is bubbling over, filled with the kinds of joy that can happen only in the spring.
There are bunnies nibbling at the new, tender shoots of lettuce, and tiny birds chirping from nests in the trees. Life is in bloom.
Winter is over… Well, except maybe in Colorado… And spring has sprung a leak into the promise of summer. Life is grand. Life is wonderful. Life is happening everywhere around me.
And here I am, feeling done.
Done with what?
Done looking back…
I’m just DONE trying to find the good in everything, because I realize that there are some things that just aren’t good. There are situations that I can’t fix. There are people that I didn’t break, and I can’t fix. I can’t always mend what is broken. And in those occasions when I can’t fix it, I can’t mend it, and I can’t find the good, I have to let it go. I have to forgive it, step over it, and keep walking.
Yesterday, a friend asked me to look up a script from the Bible, Genesis 12: 1 – 3.
Those weren’t the words my friend wanted me to see, but as hard as he pointed me toward the rest of the verse… those were the words I saw. Those were the words I read. And those were the words that stalled me out, kept me awake, and burned through my mind until I got up and found a tea bag and hot water this morning.
In the wee hours, struggling to find rest, I realized I was ‘chilled’ and wanted something more than my night gown under the covers. So I grabbed a pair of pants from the closet, and a long tee, to pull on before I slid back under the blanket. Curled into that pillow hugging, fetal position, I drifted in and out of a dream…
Revelations of Life
I’m 57 years old. I left my father’s house many years ago. Figuratively, if not literally, and the concept of going forth from my country felt like a reluctant hashtag from a bad publication. I didn’t know what it meant, and I wasn’t about to condemn myself to months of beating myself over the head with a bloody stick to prove something I didn’t need to prove. Restless or not, I wasn’t willing to be the whipping post for this ‘nightmare’ that had shown itself on my door step. I wasn’t about to let it in.
But somewhere in that land of nod, between wakefulness, tiredness, and drifting sleep, a thought crossed my mind.
“You’ve prayed for this moment! Let me make you a great nation.” ~God
God speaking? Or not? The table was set, the scene began to play out in my mind, and the realization that I had indeed, prayed for this moment, for most of my adult life. In fact, I’ve been praying for this moment since I first wrote out the Prayer of Jabez at the tender age of fifteen, and began repeating it daily:
“Oh that Thou wouldest bless me indeed, and enlarge my coast, and that Thine hand might be with me, and that Thou wouldest keep me from evil, that it may not grieve me!”
“Enlarge my coast?” Lord, would this not be the same as “Make me a great nation?” I asked as I awakened in that moment, recognizing my belief, my faith had been fulfilled. “I am a great nation.”
And that’s where this revelation from God (and my friend who pointed me to the verses yesterday) got sticky, and uncomfortable, and solicitous. I needed more information. I needed to trust more. I mean… I prayed that Thou wouldest bless me indeed, and enlarge my coast. Did I not believe every single word of my prayer? Did I not believe that God would do what he said he would do?
How BIG is my faith?
Or more appropriately, how BIG is my God?
7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
I’m not super BIG on the whole quoting scripture process. I know the scripture, and I read it, and I can often quote chapter and verse, but I’ve never felt the need to do so. Except for this moment when I’m reiterating the process of thought, and the tracks I took to bring this train to the station. It feels like I need to reveal those momentous revelations in sound bites, or notifications, but instead, I’m sharing the verses, because they appeal to my sense of direction.
Right now… I need some direction. I need to focus on the message and know where it’s coming from, why I’m being given THIS message at THIS time in my life. I need to know.
Beyond any doubt that might linger in my mind, I need to know.
Taking it to the Mountain.
Proving my faith in forty days of solitude.
Enlarge my coast. Make me a Great Nation. Ask and ye shall receive.
These sound bites reveal a bigger message to my heart, because right now, I need to know that I am enough.
Again, the words of the verse my friend sent me appeared to have some separate meaning from what he said:
“Go forth from your country, And from your relatives And from your father’s house, To the land which I will show you;”
In the wee hours, I began to pray, to seek the answer. Specifically, I needed God’s answer. I started praying the promise from the verse, “To the land which I will show you;” I wanted to see that land. Right now, I want to see that land. If not in a physical, real sense, then in a personal sense, I want to know there is a land, and I wanted to know what it was.
Then, the revelations came rushing in…
As I sat there, sipping my coffee, I looked out the window to the west, and right there – totally visible – the mountain came into view. It was merely moments the clouds parted, the rain stopped long enough for the mountain to be visible, and I could see it. I SAW THE LAND. I asked for it, and there it was… The land God showed me, the mountains.
Now almost ten years ago, I left my father’s house (my hometown), and moved to the front range. In those ten years, I’ve lived in three areas of the front range, and from each one of them, I’ve had an open access view of the mountains. My mountains… The mountains I have adored since I was a child. The very mountains God provided for me to escape to, whenever I needed to escape. God provided the mountains.
“And I will make you a great nation, And I will bless you, And make your name great;”
As I look around me… My business is here on the front range, but I have clients around the world. I have connections, a network of people who support and promote my business around the entire world. There’s literally someone on every continent (I know a penguin on Antarctica!) who supports and promotes my business.
And then, I got to the part of the verse that my friend kept ‘jabbing’ at me…
“And so you shall be a blessing;”
Do I bless others? How do I bless others? And the counting began… I thought of the many people whom I’ve assisted as they put their business together, or as they built their online connections, in my network, the people I’ve helped with graphics, or content, or whatever many ways I’ve helped others – professionally. But then, as I waited on God to show me something more… Because I knew there was more. There’s always MORE with God.
There were many ways, and although I’m not going to list them, you may know of something — the point is, I’m reminded here that I’ve been a blessing in the past, and I will continue to be a blessing in the future. So this tiny little phrase… “And so you shall be a blessing;” is a commandment to me to continue on this path, to bless others.
But there’s more…
“And I will bless those who bless you,
And the one who curses you I will curse.
And in you all the families of the earth will be blessed.”
And there it is… God will bless those (the many) who bless me, because He’s God and He can do that. And nobody can out give God. It can’t be done. No matter how hard we try, we can’t out give God, because He always gives us more.
Then He said, “And the one (only one, JUST ONE) who curses me, He will curse.”
Friends there’s only ONE who curses us… Or battles with those we love, or those we don’t, are not earthly battles, but rather battles of spirits and principalities who battle through us, against us, and use us for their evil ways. There’s only ONE who curses us, and God cursed him… He banished him from Heaven for eternity. And that’s been settled. Jesus died on the cross and rose again to solve that horrible problem. It’s done. It’s finished. It’s been completed. I don’t have to fight that battle EVER again. Because Jesus took up that cross for me. And for you. Remember, these verses I’m sharing are mine, but they also belong to YOU.
And then… Here comes the everlasting promise.
“”And in you all the families of the earth will be blessed.”
Friends, I don’t know what that means to you. But to me, that means that through me, by the blood of Jesus Christ, because I seek Him, I believe in Him, and I serve HIM, all the families of the earth will be blessed. ALL the families of the earth will be blessed. It means ALL. And I’m holding onto, seeking, asking, and expecting that promise to be fulfilled.
I know that God’s gracious and glorious gift is abundant and amazing, and that it fulfills ALL my needs, because I’ve experienced it. And I want to share that with my friends.
Specifically, in this post, I want to share with you the profound and utter JOY I feel when I think of the fact that throughout my life I’ve been praying for God to expand my coasts, and as the years have passed, He had fulfilled his promises, expanded my coasts, and that he’s continuing to expand my life, my coasts, my territory, my land, into the GREAT Nation He promised me.
Nope, I can’t fix everything. I can’t even pray for all those things that are broken. I don’t even KNOW all the things that are Broken. But God does. He knows what needs repaired, fixed, or healed. And HE will take care of those blessings.
I just want to say right now, Thank you, Lord God, Highest of the High, and Mightiest of the Mighty, that YOU made these promises to me, directed my steps, and led me to this place where I could see and understand the promises you’ve given me. And I pray you’ll continue to make my attitude right and keep leading me to the promises you have in store for me. Thank you Lord, Jesus. Amen.
“You cannot tailor-make the situations in life but you can tailor-make the attitudes to fit those situations.”
― Zig Ziglar